“Being traumatized means continuing to organize your life as if the trauma were still going on — unchanged and immutable — as every new encounter or event is contaminated by the past.” - Bessel Van Der Kolk
June is PTSD awareness month and I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD In 2021. So in honor of this month I’m going to share a little bit about my disorder and my healing journey.
C-PTSD is specific to chronic traumatization that occurs over a prolonged period of time, often in childhood, and it has several symptoms not covered by the diagnosis of PTSD. These symptoms can include emotional dysregulation, interpersonal difficulties, chronic feelings of shame/guilt, negative self-image, and even physical issues like chronic pain. It is not merely a mental illness, but essentially a neurological injury.
Being diagnosed with C-PTSD was life changing for me in that it made everything about my brain finally make sense. It was like I had found a missing puzzle piece or something. I just felt truly validated for the first time in my life. After years of therapy, psychiatry, a long list of diagnoses, and an even longer list of medications — I finally felt like I had a real answer.
My childhood was chaotic and stability was not something I experienced for extended amounts of time. I survived septic shock when I was 6 and shortly thereafter my parents got divorced. Their divorce was not traumatic to me in itself, but the events that followed it were. I survived years of narcissistic abuse and witnessed the horrors of addiction countless times when I was just a child. I did not feel safe with the man who was supposed to be my protector, and it wasn’t until my teenage years that I found the courage to speak up and seek help.
The quote I put at the beginning of this post really highlights what it’s like to live with C-PTSD. Since you fought so long and hard to escape the traumatic events you were experiencing, you forget what it is like to live without the fight. Fight or flight becomes your perpetual state and it consumes everything that you do. Nothing is safe – not a single person or place. Not even yourself. Living in that kind of world is terrifying and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.
For me, healing has meant going to a lot of therapy and doing a lot of inner child work. I’m really lucky to have such a wonderful support system and I’m so thankful for everyone who has been there for me throughout this process. I have an amazing therapist who I trust with everything in me and I wish everyone else could have such great experiences with therapy.
Shortly after my diagnosis, I began EMDR therapy, which is short for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a form of psychotherapy in which you use bilateral movement to re-wire the parts of your brain that store traumatic memories. Through EMDR, you process these traumatic events in a safe and controlled environment until the disturbance level decreases significantly and you no longer feel as strongly affected by the memories. It is a long process, but it really does work. EMDR has done an amazing job in aiding the process of getting out of fight or flight, and I would recommend it to anyone who is recovering from trauma. I’m still going through the process right now, but I would love to share more about my experience once I have worked through it entirely.
Therapy definitely isn’t always easy, especially when it comes to unpacking trauma, but it is so worth it in the end. There’s truly nothing like feeling yourself grow and get better. And when other people recognize it too? It‘s just incredible.
I still have triggers and bad days, but these days I’m feeling a lot more like a survivor than I am a victim. I’m finally taking my life back and it has been so empowering.
Medication has been another lifesaver for me. Antidepressants and mood stabilizers are still so taboo, but they really make such a difference in my quality of life. It took a long time to get on the right combination, but it’s wonderful to have finally found therapeutic doses. Modern medicine is a beautiful thing and I am so thankful for it. There is no shame in needing medication to better your mental health!
I’ve made the decision not to go into too much detail about my trauma at this time because it’s really important for me to explore my identity outside of my disorder, but I want everyone to know that my messages are always open if you need somebody to talk to. Everyone deserves to feel seen, heard, and validated.
Below are some resources that have really helped me in my healing journey.
I send all my love to those of you who are healing from traumatic experiences and I hope these can offer you some comfort.
Comments